


Just In Case

by ghostli



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, read the summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 06:37:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8568019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostli/pseuds/ghostli
Summary: [this is written as a way of venting and it actually did make me feel better, i guess. i wrote this a while ago, but finally got up the courage to post it.]trigger warning: this contains csa, if you know that this will make you uncomfortable please please please take care of yourself and don't read it.
Scout finds a book in Medic's office, what he understands of it hits a little close to home.





	

My time bein a kid wasn't all that great. 

Alright, hold on hold on, lemme go back to the start. 

My Ma met my Step Dad at some family thing when I was, I dunno, four or somethin. He was a friend of someone's and I guess they decided my Ma needed to get back into a relationship, being a single Ma is hard, yadda yadda yadda. 

So anyway, I was four. And if you don't remember being four I can help you out, when you're four you don't quite know wrong from right yet, but you're getting old enough to remember shit. 

So I was four, and we were at a potluck or somethin of that flavor. I told my Ma I had to piss but I guess since I was gettin to be a big boy she made me go on my own. It's a family picnic, right? Nothing bad's gonna happen there. 

Wrong. 

I'll spare you the details of me actually usin the bathroom, but when I was washin my hands that sick fuck opened the door, slid in there with me, and closed it back behind him. 

Now, I'll make this clear, I ain't no fag. Nowhen nohow. But when this guy I barely even knew stood up behind me and started groping me through my tightey wighteys I didn't make no big deal of it. Do I gotta repeat myself? I. ain't. no. fag. I was four; I didn't know nothin about what he was doin. 

I could just barely see off the counter into the mirror, I was too short, but when I tilted my head just right I could see him grinning. 

And it's not like he was doin it in a malicious way neither, he was real gentle. Felt his boney hands glide around down there like he was petting somethin soft, real gentle. 

I didn't remember none of this until just a little while back, when we were stayin at Heavy's Ma's place. You know those dreams that feel so real, you know they're mostly memories? Yeah, it was one of those. 

But I know it's not a dream, cause I kept havin it exactly the same. I felt so fucked up about it at first I jus told myself it was some kinda sick fantasy, but soon I started rememberin more stuff from that whole four to six or sevenish age group and it kinda just fell into place with the rest of the memories. 

And the more I thought about it the more it fit in like a little puzzle piece to make up my whole personality. 

But wait, there's more. 

Now, I'll say it a third time just for good measure; I ain't no fag. 

But when I was twelve one a my brother's friends came over to stay the night. He didn't wanna hang out with my brother though, he was real nice to me. We stayed up all night talkin and stuff, he was fifteen an he told me all sorts of cool things about bein a teenager. 

Then, the next night, he sat between my brother and I at the dinner table. My Ma and my Step Dad were scoldin one of my other brothers in the other room for god knows what, so it was just us kids at the table. My brothers were always havin friends over so even though there were seven of us there were more like ten or eleven kids there. 

So no one noticed when my brother's friend reached his hand under the table and started feelin me up down there. He was hard on me, all knuckles and he prodded at me like a cut of meat. It was just through my pants for a while, but after a while he pulled under my waistband and got real close to skin. I ain't gonna give a bunch of details on that though. 

Then he stopped, I thought it was over for a second, til he took my hands and started usin me to pleasure himself. And when he got himself worked up enough he took my hands offa him. He used a steel grip to work my hands, still under the table, on my brother too. I wanted to say somethin to any of the other kids at the table, but I'd finally made a friend and I didn't wanna lose that, ya know?

That was enough for him I guess, cause he got up an told us he was gonna take a shower. I ain't no idiot, I know what he was doin in there. I went to my room on the opposite end of the hall, but not for the same reason. I swear I scrubbed my skin raw trying to get him offa me, trying to get rid of the sick boner I got from it, guess my body’s just another backstabbin sonofabitch in this family. I got outa the shower twelve minutes later when my Ma came yelling about the water bill or some shit. I was bleedin bad but I just crawled into bed still wet an slept like that. 

I didn't forget about that one. I remembered it clear as day, always knockin it to the back of my mind. I didn't wanna think about it. I like girls, dumbass! 

I know there's more. I'll remember a little bit of somethin or other every once in a while, but I'll distract myself real quick so I don't actually remember nothin. I don't need any more of that shit, this is enough. I’m a man. No one could ever hurt me like that.

So, why am I writing in a diary? It’s cause I read somethin I shouldn't have a few days ago. Some book the Medic had in his office. 

I was just tryin to fuck with the old man, so I snuck into his office and ran off with the most important lookin thing I could find; some book on PTSD, don't ask me what it stands for cause I already put the book back in his office and I don't remember. It was mostly words I didn't know, but there was a lot about people havin nightmares about stuff that happened to 'em. I dunno, I don't think I wanna know much more for now. But just in case I thought I outa write some of this shit down. 

Don't worry, I'm keepin this journal real safe, ain't no one gonna find this baby anytime soon. But, say I ever wanna bring this stuff up to the Doc (I won't), It'll be here.


End file.
